As I passed the causeway bridge, a dark, black body of sea greeted me. On my return, it wasn't any softened either. The dark clouds of rain capitalised on the pending gloom, and the lightning only made the contrast more striking. Such was the atmosphere that greeted my mother's homecoming to Singapore.

today is spring cleaning day.. hahaha.. i know, i know.. it's not anywhere near chinese new year, or any public holiday in that respect, but MOMIE IS COMING HOME TODAY!!! *grinz..

took another off day. i think i enjoy taking off days too much. might b bad esp if i exhaust them all... well, nowhere near that yet, still hav 11 more off days.. :)

one whole morning of getting my room cleaned up, n organized.. i'm now a proud lady of the house. i think i like this feel, of cleaning the house n getting everything neat n tidy. then i'll spend the time listening, or rather blasting, music from my comp while reading a book. it feels good, feels like i own this place n there's nothing else i need to do but to keep this place in order. then the rest of the time i can jus do whatever pleases me. tt's good. haha.. sadly, life is not as simple, or mb it's jus perceived as such...

weekend was good, but very tiring. learnt that being saved n being safe are two very different thing. it is one thing to know that in Christ i am saved... n yet another to say i am safe. it may just not be so. life has its perils, i may embark into one of them n lose everything in it. i dun know. i'm still working out on this aspect. tt's all i can say for now..

ooh.. my GB girls won SILVER in the competition !!! so proud of each n every one of them.. *beam.. so waking up at 5am on Sat, going down to Fairfield Methodist Sec Sch, sending them all the way to Sentosa in their bus coach.. well, all that is definitely not wasted.. it wasnt wasted at the start of that day anyway, cos i know each of them really treasure the support. love them, now am going to miss them cos me dunno what else is going to happen next. with the end of this competition, it kinda marks the end of my work with them. hmm.. shall see what else comes next...

okies, the lady of the house now wishes to return to her books, with her Avril Lavinge blasting in her ears.. yes, she likes a pear from the fridge too... *poof...

had a most interesting day. n yes, it is GOOD to take half day off from work. mb i shd do that more often. *grinz..

went Orchard searching high n lo for the firstlove art exhibition. apparently i forgot the address, jus knew tt it was near Borders. almost lost hope in ever finding it, n was thinking whether to call up dear ol' Fongky n ask her to chk on the web for me. well, thank God i managed to find it finally altho it is really in a very recluse place - Shaw Centre. perhaps it is overshadowed by Lido, as tt's where most of the crowd usu goes to.

hmm.. my first Christian art exhibition.. what to say. how to compare. it's really a different feel altogether from Teo Eng Seng's @ Holland V. tho i started off with the same 'chicken' feeling of entering the exhibition alone. somehow quite scared, n had to pace outside the shop a while before gathering enough courage to enter. (perhaps, i shd hv called Fongky to ask for directions, then can drag her down too. hehh..) well, Mr Samuel Teo sorta left me alone to view his art. he was expecting his students to come, so... yea, definitely not as frenly n as inviting as the other Mr Teo. but his art is rather self-explanatory n has a very clear message.. not forgetting to mention that he actually wrote his own words with Bible verses either on the side of the canvas or on it. i like the words, it sorta blend in with the art. i like his art, it sorta speaks the words. n Mr Teo is self-taught too, all the more admirable. i left my contact in his guestbook, perhaps he might send me an invite to his next art exhibition.. till then, i might drag other ppl down with me.

after the fresh n refreshing art experience, i made my way down to Kinokuniya. i know, Borders was nearer to where i was then, but i like Kino more. cos there is this side corridor by a large pane of glass window (tt which Mr J n Fongky n Alex spent our time there last time, n which has now become my fave spot), n it's absolutely marvellous to sit there hours to read a book (yea, i still dun hv the habit of buying books, not yet..). it reminds me of the shot in Lost in Translation where the woman sat by the window sill of the high-rise building overlooking the skyscrapers in Japan. i like that kind of feel. sadly they hv removed the tables n chairs outside the balcony belonging to coffee club. all the better actually, cos then less intrusion of privacy for my part. hehh..

read Anna and Mister God today. been wanting to read that book for some time. n it's very good, very thought provoking. the darnest thing is that i din get to finish reading it, n even worse than that, well.. i read the last chapter. cos i wanted to know how Anna died. not that it was the most impt bit of the story, cos i believe how she lived her life as the central theme of the book. so i will still go back to finish up the first part of the trilogy. not too sure whether i can make so many trips back to Kino.. o well, shall see how.. :)

tonite church conference rox! hahaa.. i like the lighting.. they did wonders with it. but of cos, the main focus is God. n yups, u bet Mister God is there alright! hahaa.. he's everywhere.. he's in my middle.. *grinz.. tho i felt quite heavy, quite burdened by the msg.. but it's a good sort of heaviness.. another 2 more days of conference.. then combined church service tis Sun.. yup yup yup.. looking forward to them all.. hee.. better than working.. :P

GOOD MORNING!!!

yes, it has been a long while since i shout out that kinda greeting on my blogpage. hee.. :)

jus feel joyous today. gg to be half day at work, then the rest of the afternoon will b spent at town. this is good. a break that i much needed. will pop by to an art exhibition by Samuel Teo, hope it is sth good, my first taste of Christian art. :D

well, i din take half day off jus to go out n enjoy but cos i thot i needed to do so for my church conference tis weekend, starting tonite. but i guess it was unnecessary cos today's session will onli start at ard 7pm, so i hv time to bum ard.. hee.. i dun mind that either.. hmm.. looking fwd to a great day~! hope the same goes for u!!!

i din know that red wine, plus a late night teh-ping can make me stay up one whole night. hehh.. well, i needed to work on the Bible qstns for last Sat's Sentosa. n it has been a long while since i made do with an hour of sleep before another hectic day. Saturday started off raining, n i hadnt planned for that. n i din hv any wet plan for the GB girls.. aiks.. so a lot of hiccups, but a lot of make-do oso lah.. so the whole thing wasnt that bad, but it wasnt as good as it wld hv been on a dry day either. oh well.. i jus thank God that i had enough helpers, n my dear maties were excellent on that day, esp the one who bao-kah-liao the games for me.. ;)

yea, the red wine bit was my boss' idea of further teaching us how to appreciate red wine. previously my postgrad got us some chip n beer to wind down after a most tense week for my lab. then my boss started to teach us about wine - Bordeaux wine, Australian wine... even went onto brandy n whiskey. hehh.. so last Fri, he decided to let us try some French wine from Bordeaux. quite a good one, really. but it took a while for the wine to oxidise n the taste to be less tangy n sharp. n i ordered pizza for the whole gang cos me thot u shd drink the wine with some food. (as i read in some books, that people wash the meat down with wine...)

well, i'm excited for my GB girls. they'd b gg for their competition tis Sat, gg against 57 other companies, not easy, but i'm sure the girls can handle the situation well. sad thing is tt i wun b able to b of much help or use on that actual day, cos i'll b more of a spectator, n a very distant spectator too. cos i m not sposed to be near to the girls to offer them any help. so i opted to go for my church conference instead. but shall give them a lil coach prep talk b4 they go off to Sentosa.. hehh.. this is sth that i learnt from last Sun's bible class.

ooh.. on that note, i've graduated from my bible class!! heee.. still got one more class to make-up actually, but they allow me to grad first. it reminded me acutely of NUS graduation day. of cos there wasnt a grad gown to wear for tis event lah.. but it was the same gg up the stage to get the cert. only diff is tt my senior pastor prayed for us, n i got to sit 2nd row away from the stage for service. so near to Ps Khong while he was preaching, so scary. even tho i slept onli a wink the night before, i dared not fell asleep in front of Pastor. hehh.. n he looked at the front row several times too.. so paiseh if i fell asleep! n me being one of the graduands. hahaa..

got new books to read. today went over to Lee Wee Nam to photocopy some docs, then stumbled onto Jap books!!! greedy me, took up a stack of 6 books in one go, n used up the remaining quota of my staff lib card. m so happy. hehee.. then last wkend, me managed to get two of Coelho's books: Veronika Decides to Die and Eleven Minutes. i'm not too sure whether i wld hv the time to read n use all these books.. hope so, hope so.. anywayz, better get started with my Jap.. getting late now.. toodles~

got the new evanescence song stuck in my head.. the song with the word 'sacrifice' in the lyrics.. kinda like it..

note for the day: tomorrow's dreams are built on today's sacrifices.

note to others: i've sent my resume out to IMCB, so u guys better be praying hard that i get the job.. n yes, the central theme in the cover letter is on 'dream'... i'm dreaming today, are u? ;)

Disclaimer: Please read the following with a pinch (or a bowl, if needed) of salt.

I cannot or rather I shall not be transparent. It may be hard for you to understand, why it is so difficult for me. Perhaps it seems so unnatural to me, so very vulnerable to allow you to see through me. What else then would be left on me, what else would there be left for you to see? Maybe my greatest struggle is in losing you. That when you finally see and understand my very being, you will leave me, never to cast another look at me again. I don't want to lose you. Yet the irony is that by putting this self on, in the end I lose not only you, but also myself.

give me a break
writing from scratch isn't easy

give me a break
after a long day's work

give me a break
i just want to sleep

tomorrow --- oh, the worst progression of procrastination

taking small positive steps. tt's what i learnt from meeting a fren to talk about a business venture. yes, szeyung is getting herself into financial stuff again, as if her prev rendezvous with insurance agents were not enough. hehhh...

anyway, i'm proud to report that my resume is done up. jus inputted my new working experience n i think tt about settles it. the rest remains cos they're quite concise anyway. as for the cover letter, well... i'm wondering if i shd put in the funky way of starting it: "Do you believe in dreams? It is my dream to work in cancer research especially towards the therapeutic end, and biopolis, to me, has always been a dream place to work in. So, when I attended your previous lectures at NTU, and heard about what your current research interests are, I could not believe my ears. This is exactly what I would love to be working on..."

well, still working on it... hehhh... ;)

i typed this draft on Friday night.. din get to post it online.. cos somehow din know how to end it. hehh... anyway, here it is:

decide to move out of my blue mood. not doing me good anyway.

wednesday found me thinking of one person in particular:
you taught me how to draw shooting stars with four pointy legs n four curvy sides. and it was you who introduced the "stars shining bright above me..." song. i have missed you, and i have lost touch with you somehow. so have all of your other friends here. where are you? i wonder when it would be that i would see you again.

wednesday also found me meeting an old fren from my college days. used to have a liking for him last time. found out that he has a girlfren now in the States. m happy for him. n it was a good time spent chatting, catching up. for once, it's not jus reminiscing bout the past, but oso knowing what the person is really doing, how his job is like now. tho when we parted it felt almost as if we would not b in touch for another long period of time. as if there's not a need to. quite a sad truth that we may hv exhausted all tt is needed to convey between us. i guess that is what happen when frens move out of the usual social circle tt associates them in the past.

thursday found me with a clear decision to leave my current job, more determined than ever. n may this resolution enable me to send out my resume by this weekend. i gave up on an opportunity to study in Japan over a week ago. not that i was close to getting it, i din even fill up the application form. what stopped me was the need to get reference letters, but that made me think seriously bout it. yea, i shdnt b going so soon. not when i hv not establish my grounds in research. i'm still a small fry. furthermore, my finance is not looking very good. i shdnt go over there empty handed n expect them to feed me. there shd b some level of financial sustainability before i go, i told myself tt before.

well, Good Friday is today!!!

---

now it's Sunday.. n i've still not done up my resume n cover letter to send out... *darn..

it's a good feeling to run after a downpour.
cooling n refreshing was the run,
cooling n refreshing to my soul.

i've learnt not to take too much to heart the dead of my lil rammie.. the last n remaining one died yesterday. i was half expecting it to, cos it mus hv been lonely all by itself there.

n i've learnt that stubbornness makes one feel very lonely.

szeyung vs the whole world

decided to eat some ice cream. been wanting to eat the ice cream at home for some time now, but it seems that everytime i came back, it was either too late, or i lost appetite to eat it. n i needed the ice cream to chill out.

the day started bad, started with my lil rammie fish dead. it was more sad that it died over the weekend, n i actualli saw the dead body on Sat without realising it was dead cos my boss n i thot it was hiding up there behind the pumps. then when it was still lingering at the exact same spot today, i smelt sth fishy. true enough, my rammie was dead. so was quite upset bout that, n compose a lil sth for it:

Tribute to my rammie

why the doleful look,
a fish is dead
a fish is dead.

new ones shall come,
a fish is dead
a fish is dead.

don't be so saddened,
a fish is dead
a fish is dead.

it's just a fish!

sorry, it's not that i agree with the consoling words, but rather the same lines were repeated in my head: the fish is dead. haiz... nth much i can do bout it. took a while for my boss to realise the missing fish, n for him to once again say the same lines: "we're not very good at keeping the fish, are we?".. tho "we" are implicated, the accusing tone is not so well hidden. so, haiz..

then tonite... well... haiz... i dun wanna mention bout it anymore. repeated too many mental pictures of what could hv been, how i shd hv reacted, n so forth... still feel the sting, n not too sure how to apologise properly to my fren cos worse of all, she's not even a very close fren tt i keep in touch with. jus tt both of us can click off quite well when we r tgether. ugh.. really wish i can jus melt or fade out from the world then n there..

anyway.. i need more ice cream...

i run when i am happy
i run when i am sad
i run when i have company
i run when i have problems

i run simply because i run.

agony is the wait of no reply
agony is the hope of unfulfillment

Running Frenzy.

My legs wanted to run, and my mind set out the route. My lungs complained that it would be breathing in dust and dirt from the bypassing cars. My right hand refused to carry the pouch as it had done its service on Wednesday night; the left hand didn't seem to mind taking over the duty as it wanted to be useful rather than just punching air. My eyes yearned to see uncharted sights, and my ears could not say anything but only listened to the rest. My body boasted of fats here and there that were very much in want of burning, and perhaps roasting under the hot sun as the body could do with extra Vitamin D supplement. So majority voted, and off I went for my fourth run of the week.

hahaa... a short anecdote. anyway, it was an enjoyable run today albeit it being an alternative plan. i wanted to run around NTU route twice. wanna topped up my stamina in long dist over the weekend. but my tuition got cancelled so there was no need for me to travel down to Boon Lay. well, it's not that i din do enough long dist this week. ran from NTU to CCK last Wed with XM (haha... found a better nickname to refer to u on my bloggie.. Sin is jus, er... u know the Christian context..). gosh, it was a good run.. like the run i had before in ECP long long time ago, where i felt that i could jus run on forever... so good! *thumbs up.. tho i'm not too sure whether we shd try the route again, mb not at such an eerie hour.. *chuckles..

had another run on Friday too, with my ol' jogging kakis. i forgot that NUS route was as challenging. yes, it has been a while. before i started the jog, i went back to Blk 3 in PGP, to catch a glimpse of my dear music room. i miss that place, miss the time while i was studying for my tests then i wld pop over n practise the song piece "Superman" by Five for Fighting. *grinz.. still cant play that song yet. haiz.. a long way to go before i can play a decent tune on the piano. then after the jog we went to west coast... haiz.. brings back memories of days gone by. but yea, it has changed. i din like the change, tho it might b welcoming to hv a cool hang-out place like McD, west coast can do well without it.

ooh, to my jogging kaki enthusiasts, here are the distances:

NTU extended route (XM n me usu run) - 5.5km
NTU shorter 179 route (Fongky n me) - 3.7km
NTU to CCK (from XM's hall to my blk) - surprisingly onli 10km
NUS A2 route - 4.4km
NUS to Orchard 106 route (from PGP to Tanglin Mall) - 6.8km

however ridiculously short the distances actually are, my personal advise is not to be fooled, cos the slopes are not taken into consideration n those are the real killers in a run.. :S

oh, n i hereby announce myself as a proud member of National Library Board. *grinz.. finally made up my mind to sign up for membership, since it's onli $10.50 n it's for lifetime, or rather as long as my PR is still valid. i'm always a person for borrowing books, more than buying them. n the national library has more fiction. managed to borrow Oscar Wilde's short stories and Kundera's Farewell Waltz. at first i thot Kundera was some serious writer because of all the titles of his books that i've heard, but they are all novels. perhaps his writing is as meaningful as Coelho's or Morrie's. i'm still reading to find out...

it's good to chat with a friend unreservedly about ur problems...

it's bad when things are not going the way u want them to..

it's always good to run, regardless where n when, even if the sun decides to come out blazingly, or if it hides behind the clouds.

i guess this is one of those times when i wld start off by saying i shdnt b blogging.. heck.. i shant feel guilty bout blogging, not when i feel that this is going to b an impt entry. anyway, i hv to wait for my laundry to be done.. tho i guess i hv to help my fren edit n format her resume.. but well.. i can always sleep less, n give my boss the tired look again tmr.. :P

Family.

I love my family, if I have not mentioned this point enough or wrote about it before. And today being home after one whole week of absence makes me feel that obscure love even more. My family has never been demonstrative in terms of showing love for one another. In fact, I started telling my mom "I love you" and "I miss you" 5 years ago when I realise that such words are not to be kept inside the heart only. Sadly, this is not the way with my two brothers. Our love remains very much hidden in words and actions, but I can feel it tender and light as it may be.

On Saturday, my sister-in-law approached me with the question whether I would be around on Sunday because she wanted to cook lunch. Of course, she did not ask out of the sake of cooking enough for the family, but it was asked to tell me that she wants me to be around. I was very much waiting for them to ask because it is rare for me to go missing every night and to come home very late. I usually make it a point to be around at home on some days of the week, especially on Sunday as that is what I take as my family day.

My eldest brother felt my absence too. On Sunday night, he wanted me to buy Pepsi Twist when I come back. Of course, he was lazy to go down and buy himself, but I feel that this was another way of him telling me to come back early; he needs his Pepsi. Hahaa.. But I was at my friend's lab until very late, so by the time I did come back, he was sleeping already.

My second brother has always been the closest to me. However, we have not talked much for a long time. Now the new place is not helping either. Because whenever they switch on their air-con, it also means close-door policy is reinforced. And the living room is under-used for family gathering and usually used just to watch TV. Thankfully today, we went for a run. I did not drag my second brother; he wanted to run. *chuckles.. And I needed a run anyway, trying to up my running to three times a week. We did not run much because he had not run for a few months, but we did get to talk. That was good. Then we went to Choa Chu Kang Park, the one next to Lot1. It was my first time there because I never dare to venture in there alone. A nice park, reminds me of West Coast, with the sound of the waves replaced by the sound of traffic on the Kranji Expressway.

So my family is very important to me. The only conflict sometimes is when God comes into the picture. There are times when my mother would make mention about Christianity and how it has affected her family, meaning my grandparents, uncles and aunts. It hurts me. Then there was one Sunday when I had concluded my bible study, my eldest brother was rather happy because then I could be around at home to help out with some stuff. My mother made mention of that too. And I know it is true, therefore it hurts me. I can't give up on my family, more so I can't give up on God. I just wish, pray that one day both will reconcile.

Howl's Moving Castle is just marvellous! It tickles n warms my heart, completely winning me over. I jus love Studio Ghibli's works. Howl's is somewhat different from Whisper of the Heart, Princess Mononoke, and Grave of the Fireflies in that all these are quite touchy, and realistic (except for Mononoke). I wasnt very much taken with Spirited Away, cos i felt it rather abstract n difficult for me to catch. Howl's just captures me. It's hilarious like The Incredibles, and yet it moves u to sigh.. *haiz.. wish I can be Sophie, then I wun mind being old.. haha..

tonite me managed to hv a lil movie marathon with dear Fongky. *grinz.. thanks old gal. needed someone to watch Howl's with me, n my eld brother was my last option. hehe.. not that he doesn't make good company, but he'd be coupled with his wife, n after the show, it's not the same as with ur fren when u can remember n talk n laugh bout certain parts of the show.. *smile..

Lemony Snicket's was a... erm... well, i dun read the book so i did not know what to expect. n at first i thot it was a scary show cos i had to calculate the duration of the movie so as to chk that we wld still hv public transport to get back home, so i went to their official website.. the eye was so scary.. n imagine me viewing it late last nite... eekies!.. anyway, the movie was okie lah.. (cannot b compared with my Howl's.. *chuckles.. yesh, u shall hear me "howling".. wld love to watch this animation again..).. tho i mus admit it has a very brilliant intro to the show, got us fooled that we got into the wrong cinema.. hehee.. n the more memorable part of the show being these words: "The world may be sinister, but there's still much good in it than bad..." or sth to that effect. i think tt's comforting to know. :)

other movies that i watched in the cinema for the past month: Constantine and The Aviator. both are quite good. i love Keanu in Constantine, n somehow cant get rid of the image of him giving the devil the F-finger when he got admitted into heaven.. i din expect to like The Aviator cos i wasnt much of a fan of DiCaprio, n i was thinking of watching it on VCD. *grinz.. but i did enjoy the show, esp as it is based on true story. i feel that there is so much we can learn from the life of other ppl. i like Beautiful Mind too - the story of Nash Brown.

sigh.. i love to watch movies. :)

vanity of all vanity, i decided on painting my fingernails while waiting for my hair to dry. but it's certainly not easy. yest nite i gave up with jus my lil left pinkie painted.. tonite is jus the same sad story, now my lil right pinkie painted.. Lol... i got this sudden impulse to improve the outlook on my nails after this free nail art session at NTU welfare fair some two weeks ago. my nails looked nice painted, but the stupid me din know how long it would take them all to dry before i started on my experiment. so down the drain went all the nice work of the professional lady. aiks.. n i had to get nail remover to get the smeared paint off... bought myself a lil pink bottle that time too.. only began experimentation last nite.. now i know it's not easy to paint nails.. aiks.. :(

since i m away from work for now, thot i'll blog a lil tho i feel very much at the point of not knowing where to pick up. i've left so many parts of my life unblogged when i hv very much wanted to include them here. n over the weekend i wanted to write a looong blog.. but was too tired.. m tired now too.. tt's why i took an unofficial off from work. physically i m sposed to b at this symposium, which is rather unrelated to my current research work. mb onli the free food is relevant.. Lol..

went for GB camp over the weekend. learnt and received a lot from there. the speakers were very motivational n inspirational. i figured it out myself that these two terms are very different. the first one being to spur u on in what u are currently doing, n the latter being the pull to try new things. they are that powerful because they have lived the life that they speak of, dunno how many years of serving in GB.. m i willing to give myself to that? God, is that ur calling for me?

tis coming weekend is another session of drill.. n the thrill of it all is that i will b clad in a uniform when i graduate from this training course.. hee.. call it a girl dream of mine to be in a uniformed group. always wanted to b in redcross back in Brunei, but i rmbr one of the criteria being that u need to b citizen, so i din try for it. so.. heh heh hehhh.. now i will get the chance.. *happy..

then oso started my tuition sessions with this lil damsel again. i simply hope jus to make her want to study. i see the potential in her; she can b smart if she wants to be. mb she's jus off-track at the moment. haiz.. i need to make her study. good thing is i'm not showing her my soft-side anymore. not going to let her hv things her way. but i'm not such a meanie. her mom is quite another case oso. onli when her daughter is going to hv exams then she calls me back. haiz.. well, i'm trying not to b a spoilt market anymore by charging her too cheaply as what my other frens would say of me when i taught her last year. increased the price by jus a lil notch. grinz..

outside, my sound system is playing Ivory III.. testing how it would like given the concert effect.. terribly good, i mus admit.. n oso the lil scratchy noise that is heard in my ripped version in my comp got me into a fright. i thot i scratched the CD.. but phew.. it's still in excellent condition.. ;)

going back to hear.. n rest.. i need a good rest.. no stress.. Goodbye Yesterday is on.. my fave of them all..