How has it been for you? I've not been keeping track of the days that I last spoke to you. I've been feeling freed, until you came to my mind today. How have you been, I wonder? Are you out to trick someone else again? I figure all that is not within my control.

Do I still miss you?... Prob the times when I made you worry about me. And the times when we can laugh off and joke around. Other that those times, nothing else. I realise that my memory of you is beginning to fade. So much the better.

What do you do when you're bored with life, and you hope for some excitement... Yet you can't find it, without bothering your conscience of betraying someone else?...

Answer: You blog.

My hub and I went jogging yesterday night. We were not adventurous - we didn't try a new route, nor did we want to run far. We completed 2.7km route again. This time we didn't go as fast, we didn't burn out on our energy. At the end of the run, I felt as if I could run another round. That was a good feeling. :)

The rain came and stopped. I did not get to eat an apple and read a book on the sofa. I was trying to fix my blog, so that it's open for public viewing again.

Now to sip my coffee - which I think is becoming cold.

On Friday night I went jogging with a comrade, who has journeyed through a familiar path with me. So we jogged, we talked, we lamented, then we paused. Life. How I wish ours would be one of happy ending. Life. It's just not the way we think it would be. Still, life. It holds something so much more. Of beauty and beyond.

Here's cheers to life.

Ever since we stopped talking, I've been having mixed feelings. First was anger because I felt betrayed. Next was missing. Today is discontent.

I guess the reason why I allowed you into my life was because of that - the great discontent with my current life. For a while it was fun. Then it became a little sticky. So it was time to stop playing and look at reality in the eye. This would not bring us anywhere, other than just temporarily satisfying the fleshly desire. That is wrong.

Now I know. Yet I can't help but feel the loss. Let me build again once that is lost, and find something more of eternal value.

There is again an emptiness inside me.

We went for a jog yesterday, with new neighbours - one was on a motorised scooter, acting as safety vehicle. *thumbs up. We ran 2.7km, and today my legs are aching. Either a sign of old age, or that I am out of shape. Need to dig out more running gear and start running more constantly.

It's kinda interesting how I have transit in my jog- from back in Uni days to now. Some things remain constant - jogging is not how far we can run, but the people we run with, and we should jog at a pace that we can talk. Maybe, just maybe, I may decide to jog alone once a while to clear my thoughts.

I'm back :)

things have changed

from

"we'll decide who to go"

to

"since you'll be going"

today

one year

I have changed

It has been a while since I came by here, been a long time since I last posted here. Somehow I lost the zeal to write, about myself. Somehow I just disappear. Even memory has faded and I can no longer recall what I've lived through for the past few years. I tell myself over and again that I need to keep track of life, or life will just run past me. And it already has.

Now that I'm past the age (shan't say what age), and moving on. Now that I'm no longer a Miss Chin, not just Mrs Teoh, soon to be a Mom. Yes, time has moved on.

Now that I've achieved much in the little lab where I started from scratch, though not just by myself, and now that too may come to an end. It's time to move on.

The future has much uncertainty, and yet also much excitement. I do not know what to think, or what to feel. Only let me not worry too much about what's to come, to miss what's going on right now. And let me not forget to live life to the full every single day.

Yes, I'm alive and blogging again. =)

i feel so...

remote

distant.

i feel so cold.

i tell myself, 10pm...

i have until 10pm.

Tomorrow I'd be going for 15km NB real run. Low confidence that I'd get good timing because I have not been training much lately. Low confidence. That's the phrase. I sat for a test today. I can't say it turned out badly. In fact, I'm glad that I could understand the questions. Just that getting them correctly answered may be a different thing altogether.

Actually it was more of the sequence of events that happened before that which actually made me feel as I do now. How I wish I could have reacted differently. A better handle in my work and study life. There has to be a balance, somehow.

Anyway, just want to share that as I was walking towards Jurong East MRT on Friday night, I suddenly felt that I'm just an ordinary person in the midst of so many people. Just one of the many many people. And yet I felt at ease with this fact. No, I did not feel insignificant. It made me feel alright that I could hide myself in the midst of so many people. No one knows who I am, what I do. They just see me as a girl, going up the escalator to the platform. I like that. Maybe that explains why I like being in Singapore, a place with so many people.

Ah, life...

Told FK that I'd write in a post today.

Yes, it has been an eventful day. We were expecting reporters, and being the "camera shy" that I am (yea, right!), I did not want to appear in camera while doing real work. So I went in early to settle my work, which is quite a norm nowadays. Then I was settling some paperwork (oh God, there's so much paperwork to do!), when in walked my boss. I did not expect him to be so early because I thought he would be attending the opening ceremony at the other building.

Anyway, to cut the long story short, he mentioned much later that the reporters were not coming to our lab. I think I could understand better why he did not appear up there in the morning now. Hehh... Then the whole day went like a breeze. Trying to create prospective worksheet for the new reports is just terrible. I'd still need to optimize on that step.

Talked to my colleagues a lot today. Maybe that's one of my main time-wasters, but sometimes such talks are rather important in fostering good working relationship, no? Haiz... Anyway, things are moving upscale in my lab, and we are all mighty uncomfy about it... O well, to learn how to cope...

Phrases for today and the past week: policy, starfish, cascade of events.. Hahas...

Love my colleagues! We went for dinner together. It was rather impromptu, but since my mom isn't around, and it was rather late by the time we left the lab, so we went to Seah Im hawker centre to eat. And we continued to talk there. My colleagues are very fun n a laughing lot. Haa.. Love them, love them. =D

And here me quote this: an apple a day does not keep the doctor(s) away, at least not for me and my colleagues. Hahaa...

I've finished my assignment!!! =D

Felt like how the first assignment paper on kidney sale was like. Only that this time, I think I put in more effort. Hee... Yes, it is going to get better.

Go, go, go...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_JDeA8uTVU

i'm crazy over this song now...

the heart of the matter is
...a matter of the heart...

Well, there's some sunshine after the rain. =)

We got a new doctor attached to our lab for training in molecular pathology. He has his ways of making himself likeable and cute. Hahas.. At least cute to me. And he has been quite helpful in releasing tension and stress, although at other times, he does add on a lot more stress.. Hmm..

In regards to studies, I felt poorly again. As usual, not as prepared as I would have liked. I did not even attend the meeting that my group had because I realized a day before that the meeting was set at 330pm. Such an untimely hour! The fact that my colleague was on leave, means that a lot of the routine work had to be covered by me. So there was no going off for meeting. Perhaps it was better that way. I did try to contribute... O sigh...

Today I announced to my labmates my expected day, or rather my "miss expiry". Well, it's probably wrong English, or wrong phrasing. To me, it just means that is a day that I will not be a "miss" anymore. Hahas... I put that "miss expiry" date at the back of chocolate bars, but they did not really take note until I asked them. So finally they understood. =)

Work is work

Study is study

Wa, that sounds most philosophical... =P

Ultimately, life is good!

Last week I felt like a lousy student.

This week I felt like a lousy fiance.

But God, You told me that no matter how lousy I feel that I am, my worth is still in You. Like the $50 note that is crumpled, trampled on, it is still worth $50. I'm only discovering, or rather re-discovering, my worth in You.

Last week I did not prepare well for a group meeting. Thus I wasn't able to contribute much, and it felt so wrong that I had to leave early because I only had one-hour lunch break for that meeting.

(Omigosh, I remember what I dreamt last night! For the past two nights, the drugs have sedated me into a drowsy state but I had this conscious feeling that I know I was asleep, but I didn't sleep well. Last night's dream was when I entered the COFM computer lab for some other purpose, then I realize that the rest of my classmates were there, attending a tutorial which I forgot about!)

Then, preparing for wedding also puts me in a bad notch with WL. I don't understand why I must be in such an irritated state to get my point or idea across. I guess I need to watch it because it's not very helpful.

And now it's mid-term break. I really hope to catch up with my study, especially in reading up from other books, not just relying on lecture notes.

Hope to report better news in my next entry.

Somehow I found myself here on a Saturday afternoon when I'm supposed to be doing something else, like counting the number of lanterns I have so that I can bring them down for the mooncake fez tonight. Somehow, here I am!

Anyway, I have a draft blog to complete. Wrote the draft half-way between my intensive course during the first week of last month, and I have left it there, dangling. What an awful sight, what a shame to me! The draft goes:

------------------------------

I told myself that on the first day that I embark into my Masters course, I wanted to keep a record of what I learn. Well, not literally, of course. I just want to jot down some reflection. In fact, passing my 28th year has caused me to realise that I have very little memory left of what went on for the past few years. Truly said, I have lived and yet have lived not if I remember them not.

So...

Day One - 4th August 2008


I sat down for a lecture after almost 4 years of absence from this scene. It was familiar, yet bred a certain unfamiliarity. I was unprepared, as I had the premonition a week ago when I matriculated and I absentminded forgot the actual day for matriculation.

------------------------------

Sigh... anyway, better late than never. So let me start with today:

6th Sept 2008

I went to FK's sister's wedding. Now I recall, I stand corrected as it is not my first Catholic wedding because I attended my friend's one in KL, but it is still very much my first one in Singapore. The feeling of being in an old establishment is so different: the stained glass, with depictions of Mother Mary and possibly one of Jesus; the curved ceiling with the paint peeling off; and the voluminous choir singing filling the empty spaces. I was transported into the old times in a monastery, possibly in Spain. I felt at peace. I usually have this feeling when I'm in the sanctuary, a Catholic sanctuary. Or even the Anglican Cathedral.

4th Sept 2008

I had a run after class today. And of all days, I received an email from the Campus Security warning people of a molestor who attacked someone on 2nd Sept. Just merely 2 days ago. No matter, I had made up my mind to run on the tracks anyway. I ran close to 9 rounds. They closed the lights at 10pm - a sign for me to go home.

3rd Sept 2008

I woke up with an sms in my handphone that says I was late for breakfast. I forgot, I was on leave that day. Apologized. Things seemed to be flowing out of place lately. Keeping appointments and getting things done are not in order. It was my mother's birthday, so I decided to take a day off to be with her. We went for facial and then a body spa. Sadly though that the facial did not work for her. It left her with a bitter taste in her mouth, and I wished, how I wished that did not occur to her. Sigh. My family and I had dinner at CDANS, quite an expensive meal.

1st Sept 2008

The first day of fasting for my Muslim friends.

30th August 2008

I slept at 5am this morning. All because I got caught up with watching a Japanese drama called Nodame Cantibile. I like the classical music fused with the storyline. And the animated acting reminds me so much of anime. Well, the show is adapted from manga/ anime. Chiaki-senpai wa kakkoi ne! And I begin to miss Japanese a lot.

24th August 2008

My countless times of joining the SAFRA 21km run. I did not do well. I fell sick during my first week of intensive course, and I had not been able to run since then. Excuses, I know. My timing was close to 3hours. I'll need to work on that, really hard. My next chance to show that I'm still fit is during the NB Real Run, coming up in October. I want to do well. At least for myself.

23rd August 2008

Together with my Cross Cultural team, we went for a hike from PGP to Vivocity. It took us 4 hours, which was way above my estimation of 2 hours. Well, it was raining, and we started late. But more than that, we took our time at each points to take pictures, chat, so I'd probably need to put that in my calculations next time. Overall, it was a good time, of being together.

21st August 2008

I went for a dinner buffet with my friends at work. We thought that it has been a tiring week, and we'd need to de-stress. Our first choice was to go Carousel at the Royal Park Hotel, but that place was fully booked. So my friends searched hard to look for an alternative. In the end, we went to a nearby place at Clementi Woods, known as Sakura. It was an impressive restaurant with layers of buffet trays. One layer for Japanese sushi and dessert, another layer for Chinese dim sums, other dishes. And there were many many tables, up to 100 odd tables!

17th August 2008

Wei Lit and I sat down for our last session with our pastors in regards to our marriage preparation. Finally we set a date. However, it was sobering day, to realise so many things. Even the sermon was sobering, to be reminded of my past achievement if weighed in God's eyes.

15th August 2008

I sat down for my first exam paper after such a long time. I'm not sure how I'd perform, and I know that I did not write a very sound and concrete answer to the main question. Still I hope that I have conveyed my thoughts. After all, that was what Prof Lim said was important - our thinking. Yet I can't help but feel that my thoughts are quite shallow. I'm aiming for a B, at least.

4th - 8th August 2008

My one week intensive course for my first module in my Masters course. I fell sick in the middle of this week, most probably because of the incubation from morning to evening in the lecture theatre, and also because of late nights.

[note: i'll edit and add more, running out of time now. Need to really count lanterns, and get going for today]